So here’s a situation you may not be expecting a mere 5 days after giving birth, but anything goes when it’s your third kid. I’m sitting (okay awkwardly perching on the lid of the toilet ‘cause I just pushed a baby out of my nether regions yo) chatting to Denny in the bath. She’s waxing lyrical about how awesome it is to finally have her baby sister earthside after waiting an eternity for her to emerge… “umm, now where exactly did she emerge from Mum? And how did she get in there to begin with?” Right… how do I answer this one? Will describing this be more or less uncomfortable than childbirth? And where the fuck is my husband right about now?
“So, you know that time you walked in on Daddy and me and we were in bed…” yep, I’m not really sure where to go from here and I'm kind of hating myself for starting with that ffs. Plus she’s looking at me all wide eyed. She’s not going to let this go. Ok start again. “Umm, Mummies and Daddies…” I can literally feel my face burning red. “Ummm they, well they…” Pause. “What Mum?” Umm... "Do they do sex?" Fuck me. Oh well, hopefully that’s one teen pregnancy I don’t need to worry about. “Umm, yes, that’s right. Uh, where did you hear that word?” She looks at me all five year old innocence. “Daddy said it.” Of course he bloody did, probably lamenting on his lack of it in 9 months. "What's sex Mummy?" Ummm... I'm hoping the longer I don't answer the quicker she'll get bored.
Oh thank the lord, she seems to have lost interest and is now singing to her ponies while drenching them in bath water. Phew, crisis averted. Now excuse me while I go change my adult diaper, which may take some time because I’ve squeezed every fold of flesh into a pair of compression leggings.
What awkward conversations have you had with your kids? Particularly where sex and the like was concerned? How did you handle it?? Let me know at hadassah@threelittlehines.com